CHAPTER ONE

The Pickle Jar and the Mountain

And so the weekend began. With great anticipation and lots of planning we were on our way to the Great Smokey Mountains for a family reunion. It had been years since all the brothers and sisters of this family had been together, and this long overdue gathering promised to be adventurous if nothing else.

The night before, we had packed and prepared, cooked and stored, and gathered all the things we would need for a mountain weekend when the phone rings.
It was my sister Wanda. Her and Linda, another sister, had gone to Pigeon Forge a day early, gotten a hotel room for the night and had taken a ride up the mountain to see where the cabin was.
“OHMYGAWD! We are sitting’ on top of the world! It’s a gravel road and I don’t think I’m gonna make it up this mountain! I’m going straight up! Bring some bricks tomorrow so our cars don‘t roll off this thing!” It was with this knowledge that we headed out.

Traveling from the lower eastern tip of South Carolina, just outside of Charleston, we were due in Pigeon Forge around 1 that day even though the cabin was not going to be available to us until 4. Scott and I arrived on time, and spent an hour or two driving about and getting acquainted with the area.

We traveled through Gatlinburg and wandered along Little Pigeon River for a bit, wasting time before we headed up the mountain.

The luxury of the cell phone, afforded us the opportunity to check in with my sisters to see where they were on their adventure. They were in town at the grocery getting supplies, so we drove on over to meet them. We loaded the groceries in the back of Little Red, preparing to head to the ‘top of the world.’

“ALRIGHT! Let’s go!” And off we head to the cabin.

On our way to the cabin, Wanda received calls from two of the brothers, Darrell and Doyle. It appeared Darrell was just behind Wanda, so she pulled over in a parking lot to wait for him and Doyle was ahead already starting up the mountain. Doyle had the same directions as we did.

Scott and I went on, heading toward the cabin, with our easy to follow directions. I’m reading them off as Scott is driving, following all the road signs. So far so good. The directions were precise, clear and we were getting there without a problem. This was going to be a piece of cake, we couldn’t understand what Wanda was so ‘skeered’ over. However, I kept checking the side view mirror watching for them to come along behind…They never appeared again. “Hmm”... I wondered about this.

Where we had rented our cabin was in a gated private community so when we arrived at the guard shack, we knew we were in the right place, the directions correct. Our visitors pass was previously secured, so the guard checks us in, smiles at us in a devilish sort of way and says “Ya’ll have a nice weekend now.” (and I swear he winked!...this should have been my first clue) However, we drove away with confidence, we had good easy directions right? Little did we know, this is just about where our directions were not quite what they appeared. Or maybe it was the signs within the community, but either way our adventure truly was becoming ‘uplifting.’

Through turns and twists, combined with climbs we trek along, following the directions…never veering off track. I became aware of the much steeper incline we were beginning to experience when the groceries in the back of Little Red started to slide. We heard this long low……shwwwwishhh…sound and realized, the big pickle jar was sliding slowly from the front of Little Reds bed, to the back.

Have you ever heard of a ‘turn around and kiss your a$$ curve?? Well, if you haven’t, trust me it’s exactly what it means. We came up on some curves, and I honestly cannot call them curves, they were…well I don’t know what you’d call them, but I seen the back end of Little Red on the down side as we were going up on the front side more times then I cared to!

We kept climbing and climbing and I was beginning to think that maybe Wanda had been right. Swwwiiiish! The groceries slid again. I wasn’t sure we were going to make it up and around some of those hairpin curves!

Did I fail to mention the name of our cabin?? I did, forgive me… let me enlighten you. The name of our cabin was ‘Tippy Top’, can you guess why? Yeah, I thought you could.

Up, up and up we go. The groceries slid. Swwiiiiish…THUD! The pickles hit the back of Little Red.

Here is where the directions and me started to get a little fuzzy. We come around what seems to be the final curve and rise and I look to my right. WAY down it was, way, way down. I look back to the directions and reread them…..“take a right onto…’HUH? How in the world are we going take a right!”
I convey this to Scott and forewarn him “You take a right anywhere and we are in trouble!”

What does he say? "Don't worry, the trees will catch us, we won't go far!"

"OHH! Thanks!" The tires on Little Red began to spin a little bit, gripping for all they are worth. So did I.

We reach the summit a few seconds later, and strangely enough began going down. Scott stops the truck dead in the middle of the road and declares “This can’t be right, we are going back down, aren’t we supposed to be on the top?”
I scramble with the directions again, “Now hold on here a minute… Scott, did you see the right we were supposed to take?” Needless to say, he didn’t. I’m sure he was keeping his eye on the narrow, gravel, hair-pinned road ahead. We begin going further down and the groceries start their journey back toward the front of Little Red. Swwiiissh…slide. Now, if I thought going up was a little iffy and a wee bit white knuckle gripping, going down was, a ride to remember!

Up ahead, we spy a house and a man standing outside. We pull over and stop, asking for directions. He just happens to be a Orkin man so he should know right? (I half way expected to hear the words "You can't get there from here!") Instead, he pulls out a county map, and well, gee the road we want isn’t even on the map. HUH?
Along comes another car, the owner of the home we are parked at, (convenient ) and he gives us further instructions to get where we are going. Cool, we must be on track right? Off we go…Wait, he just told us to turn right. WTH? Down we go, following the mans instructions. There is no right. OH, well yeah there is, right off the side of the mountain! Swiiiiish….slide.

Finally I call my sister, who has mysteriously never appeared behind us. “Wanda, where are you?” And of course she replies “I’m sitting at the cabin waiting for you!”

“WHAT! How did you do that? The mountain has eaten us, we can’t find the road!” She informs me that Doyle had gone the same way, so she hands him the phone and I hear her say“Give Debbie the directions to the way you came in.” Ok, I can deal with this. So Doyle begins to give me directions and somewhere in the next down hill slope the signal was lost. Cell phones be damned, we were our own! Swwwiiiiish…slide!

I could picture it now, here we are lost on a mountain side, the sun is beginning to set (did you know it gets dark in the mountains earlier then EVERYWHERE else in the world?…well it does!) and I’m thinking, we are gonna have to send out smoke signals!
We continue to follow the road and the instruction and well.. guess what? We went down... all the way down, back to the bottom of the mountain! Swwiiish...THUD!! No wonder they called it 'Emerald Loop!' It seemed we were on a twisting winding road that went up one side and down the other, and never ended, the Smokey Mountain Twilight zone!

When we were given the option of no where else to go but back up, Scott has the nerve to say “That was fun! Let’s do it again!” I wanted to smack him.
We went round and round and up and up again! We were beginning to get very intimate with this mountain, trust me. Swwwiiisssh….slide.

These roads are narrow, only about 1 & 1/2 cars wide mind you. I'm starting to wonder, 'just what happens if we meet another vehicle?' I cursed myself. No sooner then the thought is outta my head, here comes two pickup trucks, heading right for us. Theory is, the person on the inside scoots over right? Yeah, OK..YOU TRY IT!
When you're the one sitting on the edge of the mountain, looking down and not seeing bottom, you only HOPE the guy coming at you on the inside KNOWS this rule! We did manage it though and I gripped the arm rest in Little Red, tight.

A second phone call was placed to my sister for further instructions at this point. We kissed our a$$ a few more times and finally on a whim, took a LEFT instead of a right at one of the upper roads. Swiiiiiish...slide.

This road takes us up even further, more hairpins, more height, more of everything. Swwiiiiish….slide! The groceries are completely at the back of Little Red again. Those groceries and that pickle jar made that trip across Little Reds bed more times then I can count! Swwwiiish..slid, swiiiiiish..thud!

Lo and behold, we hit on something! No, we didn’t hit the mountain, but we hit on the right track. Someone had turned the road sign around, besides that it was on the LEFT, not the right! Up we go, following the verbal directions Doyle had given us through more turns, twists and risings.

Swiiiiiiiiiish.... THUD! We pulled into the driveway of the cabin, which by the way was a steep incline itself. We back Little Red up next to the house, the only flat surface we could find and I breathed for the first time in an hour!
I pulled my finger nails out of Little Reds armrest , got the blood pumping back into my knuckles and extracted myself from the seat. Do you want to know what I did with those directions? I balled them up and tossed them to the right, right over the side of the mountain!

Now, I understood why the gate guard had such a shitty grin on his face, and a wink to send us on our way.

REMIND me to shoot him when we get down from here!

P.S. We forgot the bricks!

Chapter Two: Skeltons in the Closet